I held back the tears as long as I could in walmart. But I broke down at the red light. Why does it have to hurt so bad? Sometimes it feels like someone reached in and pulled out my heart, other times my heart just feels so heavy. I know this isn’t healthy. But it isn’t like a light switch that you can just turn off either. I am doing my best to remain positive, to see the good and expect a future full of love and happiness, but right now it hurts dammit. And the awful texts he sends is like pouring salt on a wound. I’m not responding to them and I know he is being mean out of his own pain.. I think? He is so unpredictable I never know what runs through his mind.
My son called me today. Well he called me back after I called him and he didn’t answer. I was happy. I never get to just talk to him. But he brushed me off telling me he was too busy.
I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is now. And I know that right now I can barely afford to get kids their school supplies they need. And that hurts the most. But after having the phones switched over and paying for my son’s car tag and insurance, I barely have anything left. And the days are counting down until next month rent is due. I am going to apply for another job on Monday though. Keep your fingers crossed. It is a perfect job with perfect hours. My son is also desperately trying to find work.
I broke down and texted “him” that I didn’t have the money for school supplies and his reply was “your choice, live with it”… then he proceeded to tell me to find another man to #!@% and get him to help me:(
Who is this person that I have lived with the past year and a half? The same person who only a little more than a week ago told me he couldn’t live without me? The same person who was just telling me how he loved me more than life itself only 9 days ago? And what gets me is that ABSOLUTELY nothing happened! Nothing more than him getting drunk and sending me awful mean texts. Whenever I try to understand, my mind wants to explode. I will never understand.
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