Alcohol

He wanted to come back yesterday. I told him he couldn’t just come back as quickly as he left. All he could say is that he fucked up and wanted to make things right. But he refuses rehab. Then he started to blame everything on me and I ended up screaming and crying.  My son picked up my phone and told him to not call me anymore. 2 minutes later our phones were turned off.

Now I know that it takes 2 to tango. It takes 2 to make a relationship work and it takes 2 for a relationship to not work. But I absolutely will not take any blame for this. HECK, we were 7 states away. He chose to get drunk and go crazy. How is that my fault.  And last year when he tried to kill me? That was my fault too.  According to him, because I was a bitch that day.

I have stuck with him through so much. I stayed with him while he was in jail. I even helped him get an attorney and pay off his fine. I helped him after his surgery. I have stuck with him through literally dozens and dozens of “alcoholic episodes”. But this is the 3rd time he has left. Simply because he got drunk and wasn’t “thinking clearly”.

It is time I move on. I love him. I saw him today. And I wanted to hold him and I wanted him to hold me. But he barely even looked at me. I know why he refuses to go to rehab. Because if he does, then his “secret” will be out.  All his family and acquaintances will know the truth about him and his double life will be exposed. He can’t let that happen. He chooses instead to lose me.

Understand

I held back the tears as long as I could in walmart. But I broke down at the red light.  Why does it have to hurt so bad? Sometimes it feels like someone reached in and pulled out my heart, other times my heart just feels so heavy. I know this isn’t healthy. But it isn’t like a light switch that you can just turn off either. I am doing my best to remain positive, to see the good and expect a future full of love and happiness, but right now it hurts dammit.  And the awful texts he sends is like pouring salt on a wound. I’m not responding to them and I know he is being mean out of his own pain.. I think? He is so unpredictable I never know what runs through his mind.

My son called me today. Well he called me back after I called him and he didn’t answer. I was happy. I never get to just talk to him. But he brushed me off telling me he was too busy.

I don’t know what the future holds.  All I know is now. And I know that right now I can barely afford to get kids their school supplies they need. And that hurts the most. But after having the phones switched over and paying for my son’s car tag and insurance, I barely have anything left. And the days are counting down until next month rent is due. I am going to apply for another job on Monday though. Keep your fingers crossed. It is a perfect job with perfect hours. My son is also desperately trying to find work.

I broke down and texted “him” that I didn’t have the money for school supplies and his reply was “your choice,  live with it”… then he proceeded to tell me to find another man to #!@% and get him to help me:(
Who is this person that I have lived with the past year and a half? The same person who only a little more than a week ago told me he couldn’t live without me? The same person who was just telling me how he loved me more than life itself only 9 days ago? And what gets me is that ABSOLUTELY nothing happened! Nothing more than him getting drunk and sending me awful mean texts. Whenever I try to understand, my mind wants to explode. I will never understand.

Moving On

Sometimes it gets really hard to breath.  I sit here and contemplate on all the things that could of happened. I constantly find myself taking the blame for all that went wrong. I need to stop that. My only mistake was allowing myself to trust someone. That was stupid on my part. Then my thoughts of blame turn to “who is she”, “how long”? I mean it does seem rather odd that he started acting purposefully mean the day after she posted on his Facebook profile. He claimed he doesn’t have a clue who she is. But that is not what the posts reads. He also claims that she said they went to school together, which is not in post either which means they are talking to each other privately.  She isn’t very attractive. She is 50 years old according to her profile and she is obviously looking for a hookup. But if he was looking for an escape from the family life, the life he proclaimed so often that this was the family he wanted and needed, well then maybe he did go see if the grass was greener on the other side. Maybe he forgot that the grass is greener where it is watered and cared for.

Today should be a pretty busy day. I have my children’s open house today and this evening in have my meditation class. I really hope I do not cry during meditation. It is so quiet there and I surely don’t need snot falling out of my nose. I’m usually ok until I am alone with my thoughts.  And the thoughts aren’t just based on him leaving. I start thinking how my mom has not even called or texted to check on me. Not even any words of advice such as “you will be fine” or “it will all be ok”. Seriously? I mean she knows what all happened because my daughter told her. I’ve had friends out of state offer me comfort. My brother did. But my mom? Nope? Sister? Nope? And so I need to remind myself that I DON’T CARE. I don’t need anyone’s support. As a matter of fact, I don’t  need anyone. I can do fine on my own. That is what I’ve told myself my whole life. And it has helped me through some impossible times, BUT, could it also be what keeps landing me I’m these predicaments? Hmmm? Something to meditate on today.

One Crazy Chick

Yep the NAME SAYS it all. One crazy chick. Not that I’m crazy as in insane or psychopath,   but crazy as in why my life always seems to entangle with psychopaths.  Or is it sociopaths? I always get them confused. I guess I can Google it later.
I’ve had this site awhile now but didn’t know what I wanted to talk about.  I certainly don’t want to bore anyone with my stories of inspiration. And there are way too many mommy blogs out there.

As a matter of fact, I actually thought that my life was a little too perfect for an interesting blog. I mean, yes I have half a dozen kids. 4 still living at home. I was engaged to the greatest man I’ve ever known. We have a nice home, travel a lot and we have 2 dogs, 10 cats and 2 rats. I work from home and I get fulfillment from my volunteer work at the animal shelter. Can life really be any better?

This past week has been an amazing experience for me and my kids. We were able to travel through 7 states to see my grandparents. During the trip we saw the sites in Washington DC.  I also was able to visit the gravesite of my birth mother. And yes it was my birthday too,  so it was in fact the best birthday I’ve ever had
Until we came home Sunday night. Exhausted  from driving with 4 kids for 10 hours.. the past couple hours through bad storms,  only to come home and find that my fiancee, the love of my life, the man that only 4 days earlier sent me the text that would make any woman’s heart melt, was gone. Packed up, moved out, gone. Took most everything, including the tag off my sons car, turned off wifi and cable. Our lives have changed. Was it for the better though? Did I forget to mention that he was a bad alcoholic? I guess what you would call a “functioning alcoholic “.

So this begins a new chapter in my life.  In our lives. The road wont be easy, But we must pick up the pieces and move on.